But seriously, I've been crazy busy and...well, just plain crazy. The truth is every time I decide that it would be a good idea to blog, I remember how stressed I am and that I should be doing something more productive.
Well, it's Finals week and I'm taking a study break. I actually feel a lot less stressed out about finals at the moment. This weekend was insanity, preparing for my Bio final, writing a draft of a really gnarly paper, and finishing up a final draft of another paper. But now that my Bio final has been taken, my Final draft has been turned in, and I've been given my draft back (heavily marked-up by my professor's pen, I might add) I feel better. I don't have anymore finals until Friday, and in this moment I am slightly relaxed.
But the relaxtion doesn't last long for me these days, because as soon as I stop letting productive things like finals distract me (yes, I said distract) I am reminded of the decisions that I have to make.
About a month and a half ago, I went to visit my academic counselor to see what was going on with my classes, now that I'm getting my Bachelor's of Arts. To my surprise, she informed me that not only was on track with my classes, but I would be graduating two quarters early. AND that was only if I WANTED to take an extra quarter, because according to her computer screen, I could graduate this summer, after taking one measly GE summer school class.
Um...what?
If you'll rewind in my blog history a little bit, you will see how much I lamented the prospect of having to return for two more years of school after this incredible summer. If you continue to read, I came to terms with it, asking God to use my schedule as He planned.
Well, I guess I don't have two more years. I guess I don't really even have ONE more year.
I should be happy, yes? Correct. Absolutely, I should be. Am I? Well, I'm not unhappy. Just petrified.
Funny how we ask God for one thing, beg Him even, and then if He gives it to us we say, "Wait, what? I didn't think You would really give it to me. No, God! This wasn't part of the plan!!"
Because we've got it all planned out, don't we? We do. Which day to study for which final, who we're going to hang out with on which day, which grad school we're going to, what career path we're choosing, when and who we'll marry. Good gracious, some of us even plan what we're going to wear on certain days of the week.
I'm not pointing fingers at anyone if not also at myself. I can honestly say I've attempted to plan every single one of those areas (even the clothes...)
You would think that by now I would have learned that life is ANYTHING but predictable, but of course, God continues to bring this lesson back into my life. Maybe one day, I'll actually learn it.
I went to Indiana for Lindsay's wedding very soon after this discovery. (Funny how God's timing works out, isn't it?) I got to talk to some people that I both love and respect. They all said some very encouraging things to me. Most notably, Carole Bongard and I had this conversation:
Me: Carole, it's just really freaking me out. I don't feel like I'm old enough to graduate let alone have a full-blown career in full-time ministry. I just don't feel ready for any of this!
Carole: You know, you can see throughout scripture God using people in ways like this. I mean, He asked a 14-year-old girl to be the mother of Jesus...You can't argue with that.
Nope. You can't argue with that.
Just when I thought I was OK with graduating in December 2011, my parents told me over Thanksgiving break that I really needed to be praying and thinking about graduating this summer, because Steven is starting college next year and expenses are pretty tight.
My panic spiral returned. And in a lot of ways, I'm still freaking out about it. I think what scares me more than anything else is graduating before a lot of my friends. I don't like the idea of not being on the same "life-plane" with them. Does that make sense? They'll be in school, while I'm working. It's not that one is better than the other, they're just different places in life. And I don't feel ready to leave this place in life, even if it is driving me crazy.
And yet, I know God is still, and always is, in control. If y'all would pray for me as I wrestle with decisions, especially over Christmas break, I would really appreciate it. I've got a couple options for what to do after graduation, in regards to Keynote.
I've got a lot people in my life who are extremely loving and supportive, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. However, none of them can make this decision for me, though I wish they could. So please ask that God would guide me in this decision and that I would be listening for His voice.
Thanks everyone! And good luck on finals if you've still got them. I'd better get back to studying.
Oh and here's a couple pictures from Bean and Lindsay's respective weddings! :)
