The Light

Hey Internet family and friends! It's been a little bit since I've blogged something other than lyrics. Although, I think song lyrics say so much. I'm rather fond of them. :) If you're lucky, I'll probably share some in this blog.

School, honestly, has been kind of gross. I'm not a fan of 4 out of 5 of my classes. I've shared with you all that I really felt that God impressed upon me to pursue graduating early this year. I have thrown myself head-first into making that happen, and it's definitely proving to be hard work. 

You see, there's this piano class that I'm taking. It's not required, but since I haven't played piano since I was about 10 years old, I decided that it would be beneficial to take the class. I have to pass a "Piano Proficiency" exam in order to graduate, and this class is supposed to prepare you for it.

I'm so grateful that the class is offered, because without it I would not know what I didn't know. And trust me when I tell you that there is A LOT I don't know. I kind of feel like an 8 year-old learning how to play piano again.

The good news is that I'm making steady progress, and God is so much bigger than some stupid piano class. All I can do is trust in His plan for me. If I don't pass the class by the end of the year, I'll have to take an extra quarter of school and pay rent all summer. However, the truth of the matter is that God is in control, and He's definitely teaching me about discipline in this class. How often do I give Him control in other areas of my life, even ones that feel a lot bigger than this, and then cling so hard to the little things that I think I CAN control? I laught at myself sometimes.

The other thing is that I'm taking the Psychology class from Hell. No seriously, it's awful. It claims to be a Psychology class, but honestly it feels like some warped religion class in disguise. I sit there for an hour and half twice a week feeling like my beliefs and world-views are being attacked. It's been the worst class I've ever taken at UCI, and I've had some distressing classes. It feels like I'm going into battle every time I go to the class. 

Actually, it is a battle. Yesterday, I left the class feeling completely defeated. If felt like, "If I can't even handle this, how I am claiming to want to be a missionary with me life?" Lies from all sides.

I feel like my level of spiritual attack had doubled in the last year. I mean, sure I've gone through some rough things, but I haven't felt this amount of lies, fear and doubt combined. Usually, it's just one or another. I left the class and immediately journaled and God brought this verse to my mind:

"For this reason, I remind you to fan into flame the gift of God, which is in you through the laying on of hands, for God gave us a spirit not of fear, but of power and love and self-control." 2 Timothy 1:6-7

It was amazing. I know this class is hard, but I know that God is bigger than all of this. And while I cannot see the good in it now, I'm sure He will use it in my life. I also know that God has called me to apply to Keynote, and no amount of fear and doubt will shake me of that conviction.

I've had some wonderful people in my life remind me of these facts. They are such an encouragement. :)

I recently discovered that "The Light" by Sara Bareilles is my new favorite song. I don't know if Sara Bareilles is a Christian, but she is such an insightful lyricist. I'm assuming this song is about a relationship, but for the life of me I cannot listen to it without hearing that it's about Jesus, except for her saying "babe" a couple times. However, it's been tugging at my heart the last couple days. Here are the lyrics. :)

"The Light" by Sara Bareilles

In the morning it comes,

Heaven sent a hurricane.

Not a trace of the sun,

But I don't even run from rain.

Beating out of my chest,

My heart is holding on to You,

From the moment I knew,

From the moment I knew.

---

You're the air in my breath,

Filling up my love-soaked lungs.

Such a beautiful mess,

Intertwined and overrun.

Nothing better than this,

Knowing that the storm can come.

You feel just like the sun,

Just like the sun.

---

And You say "It'll be alright",

I'm gonna trust You, babe,

I'm gonna look in Your eyes.

And You say "It'll be alright",

I'll follow You into

The light.

---

Never mind what I knew,

Nothing seems to matter now.

Oh, who I was without You, I can do without.

No one know where it ends,

How it may come tumbling down,

But I'm hear with You now, 

I'm with You now.

---

And You say "It'll be alright",

I'm gonna trust You, babe,

I'm gonna look in Your eyes.

And You say "It'll be alright",

I'll follow You into

The light.

---

Let the world come rushing in

Come down hard come crushing,

All I need, is right here beside me

And all the love I'm swearing,

Take my love and wear it over Your shoulders

---

And if You say, "It'll be alright"

I'm gonna trust You, babe

And You say "It'll be alright"

I'll follow You into 

The light

The light

The light

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8EwjBKzBYW8

Thanks for reading, everybody! I'd love to also tell you that not everything in my life is a struggle right now. A lot of things are going wonderfully. I'm extremely blessed. :) But I do tell you all of this, because I want you to know, so that I can ask you to pray for me. It's going to be an intense rest of the year, but good. :)

"Beloved"

I've been meaning to blog recently, but I haven't found much of a spare moment. This quarter has been insanely busy, and honestly I'm counting down the days until it's over. 53 days until my last final. Oh boy.

But I have been so struck by this song in the past few months, and this morning I woke up with it stuck in my head. :) It's called "Beloved" by Tenth Avenue North.

I'm all about images, and this is such a gorgeous picture of how my Jesus loves us. I just wanted to write down the lyrics for you guys, and hopefully you love it as much as I do. :)

Soon I'll update my blog for real. :)

---

Love of my life,

Look deep in My eyes,

There you will find what you need.

Give Me your life,

The lust and the lies,

The past you're afraid I might see.

You've been running away from Me.

---

You're my beloved.

Lover, I'm yours.

Death shall not part us.

It's you I died for.

For better or worse,

Forever we'll be.

My life it unites us,

And it binds you to Me.

It's a mystery...

---

Love of My life,

Look deep in My eyes,

There you will find what you need.

I'm the giver of life.

I'll clothe you in white.

My immaculate bride you will be.

Oh, come running home to Me.

---

You're My beloved.

Lover, I'm yours.

Death shall not part us.

It's you I died for.

For better or worse,

Forever we'll be.

My love it unites us,

And it binds you to Me.

---

You've been a mistress My wife,

Chasing lovers that won't satisfy.

Won't you let Me make you My bride?

You will drink of My lips

And you'll taste new life.

---

You're My beloved,

Lover, I'm yours.

Death shall not part us.

It's you I died for.

For better or worse,

Forever we'll be.

My love it unites us,

And it binds you to Me.

It's a mystery...

"Beloved"--Tenth Avenue North

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6CUGTIWCFyo&NR=1

Blessings Beyond Compare

Hello friends, family and both. :) I'm currently sitting in my living room in Bakersfield, because the grapevine is closed due to snow, so I have no way of getting back to school. It's the first day of the Winter Quarter, but I suppose I will just have to wait it out. And thus, I will update my blog. 

It's been quite an eventful break. I spent one week at home, then drove to Kansas to see my dad's family. It was so much fun to see Uncle Tim, Aunt Rena, and the cousins, not to mention the baby cousins. Emily makes my heart smile. :)

Not only did I get to see my awesome Whyte family, but I also got to see three of my favorite people in the entire world! Corey, Natasha and Tim drove out to Wichita to spend the afternoon with me. It was so wonderful to see them! :)

We didn't get a very decent picture of all four of us, but here's Natasha and me. :) I love this woman.

After Kansas, we drove to Texas and spent about a week with the Fackler family. I love the Fackler family. They are just ridiculous. I can't help but think everytime I'm with them that if a non-family member were to hang out with us, they'd probably think we were insane. I absolutely adore them.

Christmas was great, just hanging out with family. On December 26th, my uncle and I flew out of Dallas to San Diego for the San Diego Winter Conference. We had to be there two days before the conference started, because the worship band was having rehearsals. Everyone in the band got there on that day, and we started rehearsing our sets right away.

The conference was...incredible. Honestly, I came with pretty high expectations, because last year my life was completely changed by it. I couldn't help but think about who I was last year as I went through this past week.

Last year, I was fresh out of the worst year of my life, but God has brought me through, and I was eager to follow Him through the doors He had provided for me. I didn't know what those were, but at Winter Conference God pressed upon me to go on Keynote Summer Project. Ultimately, God used conference for that and to change the direction of my major.

Now here I was, standing in the same room, having gone on Project, changed the direction of my major, and given the opportunity to graduate a year early. I felt so much older than I felt last year, and I no idea what to do with that.

The conference was incredible. All the speakers talked about not wasting your life, which is common for college conferences. I knew I was planning on applying to Keynote staff, but for some reason I wasn't feeling as passionate as I had been. Spritual attack.

On New Year's Eve we got to see a 1 1/2 hour long one-man drama called The Bema. It was all about the second coming of Christ, and the judgement that will take place for Christians. Now this judgment isn't about your sin, but rather what you've done for the kingdom of God while you're on earth. It says in the book of Revelation that we will be rewarded for our faithfulness to what God has called us to do.

The play showed us the life of a fictional middle-aged business man named Daniel Matthewson. He was wealthy and extremely blessed, but he chose to strive for his own ambitions rather than the kingdom of God. When he approached the throne of Jesus, Jesus said to him, "Oh, Daniel. I blessed you so much. I gave you the gift of teaching, and you did not use it. I gave you so much money...and you did nothing with it." 

Of course, Jesus loved him unconditionally, but the image was very powerful. How many of us want to get to Heaven and NOT hear Jesus say, "Well done, my good and faithful servant"? That would be awful. I know I definitely want to hear Him say that to me.

Lately, I've been second guessing my blessings, specifically the blessing of having the opportunity to graduate early. I keep asking, "Is this from You, God?" He blessed me with a lot in my life: a good education, the opportunity to graduate early, wonderful friends, parents that love and support me. 

And the question from The Bema rang loudly in my ears, "What did you do with the blessings I gave you?" 

It was at that moment that I came to my decision that I talked to you guys about in the last entry. I heard the answer loudly and clearly. God willing, I am graduating this summer and I am applying to Keynote staff as soon as possible. :) 

I loved Winter Conference, and it did not disappoint. It was amazing. I am consistently being changed forever because of the way God uses those conferences and the people He has placed in my life. My prayer is that I will talk less and listen louder to His voice as I continue to grow into the woman He wants me to be. 

The SDWC Worship band eating dinner together back stage on New Year's Eve.

Our epic SDWC 2010 band photo, minus Allie. Sad day, she had to leave.

Thanks for reading everyone! Continue to follow as we all make these next steps in our lives. :)

--Hannah

Finals and Decisions

So it's been a while. That seems to be my mantra these days. Everything starts with, "So, I'm sorry it's been a while..."

But seriously, I've been crazy busy and...well, just plain crazy. The truth is every time I decide that it would be a good idea to blog, I remember how stressed I am and that I should be doing something more productive.

Well, it's Finals week and I'm taking a study break. I actually feel a lot less stressed out about finals at the moment. This weekend was insanity, preparing for my Bio final, writing a draft of a really gnarly paper, and finishing up a final draft of another paper. But now that my Bio final has been taken, my Final draft has been turned in, and I've been given my draft back (heavily marked-up by my professor's pen, I might add) I feel better. I don't have anymore finals until Friday, and in this moment I am slightly relaxed.

But the relaxtion doesn't last long for me these days, because as soon as I stop letting productive things like finals distract me (yes, I said distract) I am reminded of the decisions that I have to make.

About a month and a half ago, I went to visit my academic counselor to see what was going on with my classes, now that I'm getting my Bachelor's of Arts. To my surprise, she informed me that not only was on track with my classes, but I would be graduating two quarters early. AND that was only if I WANTED to take an extra quarter, because according to her computer screen, I could graduate this summer, after taking one measly GE summer school class.

Um...what?

If you'll rewind in my blog history a little bit, you will see how much I lamented the prospect of having to return for two more years of school after this incredible summer. If you continue to read, I came to terms with it, asking God to use my schedule as He planned. 

Well, I guess I don't have two more years. I guess I don't really even have ONE more year.

I should be happy, yes? Correct. Absolutely, I should be. Am I? Well, I'm not unhappy. Just petrified. 

Funny how we ask God for one thing, beg Him even, and then if He gives it to us we say, "Wait, what? I didn't think You would really give it to me. No, God! This wasn't part of the plan!!"

Because we've got it all planned out, don't we? We do. Which day to study for which final, who we're going to hang out with on which day, which grad school we're going to, what career path we're choosing, when and who we'll marry. Good gracious, some of us even plan what we're going to wear on certain days of the week.

I'm not pointing fingers at anyone if not also at myself. I can honestly say I've attempted to plan every single one of those areas (even the clothes...)

You would think that by now I would have learned that life is ANYTHING but predictable, but of course, God continues to bring this lesson back into my life. Maybe one day, I'll actually learn it.

I went to Indiana for Lindsay's wedding very soon after this discovery. (Funny how God's timing works out, isn't it?) I got to talk to some people that I both love and respect. They all said some very encouraging things to me. Most notably, Carole Bongard and I had this conversation:

Me: Carole, it's just really freaking me out. I don't feel like I'm old enough to graduate let alone have a full-blown career in full-time ministry. I just don't feel ready for any of this!

Carole: You know, you can see throughout scripture God using people in ways like this. I mean, He asked a 14-year-old girl to be the mother of Jesus...You can't argue with that.

Nope. You can't argue with that.

Just when I thought I was OK with graduating in December 2011, my parents told me over Thanksgiving break that I really needed to be praying and thinking about graduating this summer, because Steven is starting college next year and expenses are pretty tight. 

My panic spiral returned. And in a lot of ways, I'm still freaking out about it. I think what scares me more than anything else is graduating before a lot of my friends. I don't like the idea of not being on the same "life-plane" with them. Does that make sense? They'll be in school, while I'm working. It's not that one is better than the other, they're just different places in life. And I don't feel ready to leave this place in life, even if it is driving me crazy.

And yet, I know God is still, and always is, in control. If y'all would pray for me as I wrestle with decisions, especially over Christmas break, I would really appreciate it. I've got a couple options for what to do after graduation, in regards to Keynote.

I've got a lot people in my life who are extremely loving and supportive, and I feel so blessed to have them in my life. However, none of them can make this decision for me, though I wish they could. So please ask that God would guide me in this decision and that I would be listening for His voice. 

Thanks everyone! And good luck on finals if you've still got them. I'd better get back to studying.

Oh and here's a couple pictures from Bean and Lindsay's respective weddings! :)

It Feels Like It's Rainin' You...

I was awakened this morning by the biggest thunder clap I've ever heard. As I peered through my sleep covered eyes into my dimly lit room, I felt like I was in Indiana. I haven't experienced rain like today since then.

Most of you know that I love rain. What you may not know is that, truthfully, I adore rain. Rain says so much more to me than "water falling from the sky" or "Dang, my hair will be ruined on the way to class". When it rains, the air is cleaned and smells beautiful. All the grime of the previous weeks and months is washed away in one fail swoop.

It might sound cheesy, but I view rain washing away that grime like I view Jesus washing away our sins. It just seems like the perfect metaphor to me.

When it rains I feel like it's a gift from God, just to bring joy to my heart. I've heard of people being romanced by the King and that's what rain is for me. Almost as if God is saying, "Hannah, I love you so much!" A simple thing, rain, but it means the world to me. 

I'm sitting on the floor in my living room, wrapped in a fleece blanket with the sliding glass door opened so I can hear and see the beauty God causes to fall from the sky. A few minutes ago, a giant lightning bolt flashed across it. It was absolutely breathtaking. I honestly, wish a picture could do it justice.

I wanted to share a song with you all that I listen to when it rains. It's by Brad Paisley and I know it's not a Christian song, but when I hear it, it sounds like worship to me. It encompasses exactly how rain makes me feel. I'm going to leave the lyrics here, so you can see them. :)

- - - -

When I looked out today,

Saw that the sky was gray,

I thought about the way You love days like this.

Driving into town,

It really started coming down,

Bringing me back around to all that I've missed.

- - -

It feels like it's rainin' You.

It feels like it's rainin' You.

- - -

I didn't even run inside,

Or worry about staying dry,

Besides there's nowhere I can hide from these feelings now.

Runnin' my face,

Takes me to another place,

I can't think of a better way to drown.

- - -

It feels like it's rainin' You.

I can't explain, but I am baptized anew.

It feels like it's rainin' You.

- - -

If I had my way it would do this everyday,

I would never see the sun.

Because the closest I get to holding You again,

Is everytime that sky opens up.

- - -

It feels like it's rainin' You.

I can't explain, but I am baptized anew.

It feels like it's rainin' You.

It feels like it's rainin' You...

--"Rainin' You" Brad Paisley

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xxACycsuNoQ

 

Lost For Words

Last Thursday I was sitting in Starbucks on campus, and I'd spent the last hour agonizing over what should be one of the easiest writing assignments ever made in the university system.

The assignment was to take a piece of music and technically describe it. Not even really draw conclusions from it, JUST describe it. It was supposed to between 600 and 1800 words long.

Mine? Topped off at a grand total of 626 words.And I kid you not, it was the most grueling and boring 626 words I have ever written in my entire life.

How pathetic is that, right? I can sit here and culminate a blog entry that goes on for thousands of words, or type out a text message that is at least 3 pages long, and when asked to describe a piece by Robert Schumann I falter.

Ridiculous.

And all this nonsense got me to thinking that I am so thankful that God doesnt require us to be eloquent or wordy when we pray. I feel like we try so hard sometimes to impress who, exactly? God or the people we're praying for? Either way, for me, the result is rather abysmal.

The other night I was talking with my roommate and we decided to pray together. I prayed for her, and I stumbled over every single word, thought and "Father, just..." in the entire prayer. I kind of laughed afterwards as she began to chatter off an eloquently pieced together prayer. Why does that bother me? Because I'm afraid that people will think I sound stupid when I pray outloud.

I've certainly come a long way since my high school Bible Study days. I remember refusing to pray outloud, because I was so afraid that I wouldn't have the "right words" to say, but it still lingers.

Being a Bible Study leader has brought a certain amount of nervousness in this area, because I feel like there is a certain standard I have to uphold. After all, people are looking at me more closely now. I'm a "leader". It puts a lot of pressure on the situation, truthfully.

Now, I wholeheartedly agree that leaders should be held to high standard. That we shouldn't go out and get drunk with our friends, just because we're 21. Or that we should be swearing up a storm or something like that. But eloquently praying? Thank goodness, God didn't ask me to have a beautiful poetic prayer, because let me tell you: I fail nearly everytime.

I fail even worse when I'm trying. Isn't that funny? How when we try so hard at something we almost indefinitely fail? Ugh. What an uphill battle.

Last night at church the pastor was saying that the Bible says that Jesus made him self "nothing", but becoming human. This would indicate that humanity is nothingness when compared to the glory of God. The pastor went on to say that when we strive for academic standing, a relationship, popularity, lots of money, or whatever we deem as success--we are essentially trying to acheive the highest amount of...nothingness.

So I say again, why do we stress about trivial things, like what ours prayers SOUND like to others? Shouldn't we be a little more focused on the One we're talking to and not the ones listening?

Just some thoughts...

This weekend is our Fall Retreat! This means there are 24 days until I head out to Indiana! (SO EXCITED!) And it also means that this weekend starts the epic 6 weekends in a row insanity I mentioned in my last blog. Please pray for my sleep, balancing my school work, and above all that I would not try to pull all of this off in my own strength. We all know how that will turn out. :P

Thanks everyone! Tune in next time!

Also, this blog post is a total of 656 words. In case you were wondering. ;)

Weddings, Weddings, Weddings!

Hey Internet World! It's been a while. I've been ridiculously busy. Honestly, it's been kind of stressful, but it's definitely been awesome.

Besides the normal schedule of school and Cru, the biggest thing going on in my life right now is weddings. My best friend, Bean, and my friend and discipler from Keynote, Lindsay. It's definitely exciting!

This past weekend I got to go home and be involved in two Bridal Showers for Bean. One I threw and one her sister threw. They were way fun. We dressed her up in a toiler paper wedding dress (which didn't come out half bad, actually.) Then we got to tell the story about how Shem came to surprise her in Calfornia.

The shower that her sister Michelle threw was so fun. There were loads of cheesy bridal shower games that I am terrible at. It also gave all of the bridesmaid an opportunity to hang out. There are six of us: Bean's little sisters Michelle and Andrea, her honorary little sisters Mallory and Lydia, and two of her best friends, Beth and me. It's going to be a fun wedding. :)

The wedding is in 30 days. Wow! 

The second wedding that's going on is Lindsay's! Exciting news update: After much prayer and planning I am going to be able to attend Lindsay's wedding in Indiana! 

However, it's not just a wedding. I'm flying out and everyone from Stop On Green will be there. Words cannot actually describe how excited I am! There are 36 days left until I make the flight out to Kansas City, Missouri. I'll be staying the night with Natasha and the following morning, Corey and Tim are going to pick us up and we'll make the 8-hour drive to Indianapolis. From there we'll hang out and the wedding is 2 days later. 

It feels like a dream, honestly. Corey and Natasha both called me last Thursday to tell me that it had officially worked out. I think I said, "I'm so freakin' excited!" about 50 times. Haha! I had no idea that I was going to be able to see my team so soon, much less getting to see all the Keynote staff that I love so much. I'm so stoked that God orchestrated it to work out the way that He did. :)

If you did the math with those numbers, you may have noticed these weddings are really close together. In fact, they are 10 days apart. But not just that, in about 3 weeks I have something going on every single weekend for 6 weeks.

October 22-24: Fall Retreat with Cru (Mountains)

October 29-31: SDWC Worship Band Auditions (Fresno)

November 5-7: Bean's Wedding Weekend (LA and Bakersfield)

November 11-15: Lindsay's Wedding "Weekend"/Reunion (Indianapolis)

November 19-21: Crossroads Conference with Cru (Anaheim)

November 25-28: Thanksgiving Break

Yeah, I'm a little overwhelmed. Everything is awesome and very exciting, but I'm definitely a little nervous about how I'm going to stay on top of my studies. I'm a pretty high-stress person, so I know how hard it is for me to fight the desire to worry constantly about things I can't really control. I'd really appreciate prayers during the coming weeks in this area.

On another note, Sam and I have officially stared out Bibly Study. Last night was the first night that I actually helped her lead with our study. Honestly, it was so nerve-wracking. I thank God that He doesn't call us to be perfect, because I'd definitely be failing. ;) 

I'm so thankful to have Sam as my co-leader. She has a very calming presence, and I felt so encouraged everytime she chimed in last night. 

I also found at last week that I'm going to be discipled by my friend, Arggi. She's a senior who is interning with Campus Crusade for Christ this year. She's going to be discipling me and my friend, Michelle. I'm looking forward to the opportunity to grow with them and also grow in my relationship with both of them. They're awesome women. 

Just wanted to give you all a litte insight into my schedule. Thanks so much for your prayers and for reading! :)

Until next time!

--Hannah